5 Very Stupid Things Hollywood Taught You About Fighting
Deep down, we like to think we’ve subconsciously absorbed so much knowledge from pop culture that we could hold canada goose our own in a fight, despite having no real training and, like. objectively the worst bodies. But even if we could absorb skills through movies, we’d still be screwed. In reality, canadian goose jacket John Wick’s bulletproof suit would fail him, the parkour ninjas from the 47 different Assassin’s Creed games would all break their necks, and Rey would kill herself the first time she used a lightsaber. Here’s why.
Now, first of all, medieval armor wasn’t simply a sheet of metal they stuck on your torso before marching canada goose clearance you off. It was generally Canada Goose Outlet worn with Canada Goose Jackets padding beneath, https://www.canadagooseoutlet4online.com for both comfort and safety. There’s no point to “skintight” armor, and boob holders are even more unnecessary when you’re swaddled up like the Michelin Man under there. Secondly, the whole point of armor is to deflect incoming blows as in, bounce them away from your tender bits. But if your breastplate has two big round mountains on either side, the enemy’s canada goose coats on sale sword is going to slide down them, right into the center of your chest.
As Tor’s Emily Asher Perrin explains, a strong enough blow to the chest can kill you, armor or not. Even falling down in a piece of unpadded boob armor would cause those metal cups to dig into your chest, resulting in some serious damage. If our canada goose coats boobless readers are having trouble picturing the cheap Canada Goose problem, imagine a jockstrap that individually wraps the penis and each testicle separately, instead of putting the whole unit behind one single protective sheet of hard plastic. Then imagine somebody kicking it.
Both Lightsabers And Bat’leths Are Terrible Weapons
If you’ve never imagined yourself in a lightsaber duel, then you might as well leave now, because you’re either a liar or a robot, and we will tolerate neither. But despite the name, lightsaber blades are made of plasma. And the amount of energy required to produce that plasma would also be enough to light the entire room on fire the second you flipped it on. It would be like trying to wield an exploding bomb. And if that energy could somehow be contained, (like, say, because of the Kyber crystals that you beautiful nerds are already rushing to mention?), the deal is still off the second two lightsabers touch. Two beams of piping hot plasma crashing into each other would lead to magnetic reconnection, which is a fancy scientific term for an explosion that results in fricasseed dork.
LucasfilmAnd no one will care enough to turn you into a cyborg.
Oh, but don’t think you’re getting off light here, nerds who prefer their Canada Goose Online stars of the trek variety. Now we’re going to look at the Klingon Bat’leth. You’d think this would fare better. It’s not some goofy magical laser sword, just a mean piece of metal meant to be thrust into some dirty Romulan’s chest. OK, but here’s how you hold it:
CBS Television StudiosIf this was useful for killing things, humans would have thought of it centuries ago.
It’s basically a stick with a couple of pointy bits on the ends. And pointy sticks do indeed hurt. Everything checks out so far. But imagine hitting someone from that pose: You’ll get almost no strength or reach from your limp thrusts. If your fight hasn’t been pre scripted for television, you’d be lucky to give your opponent a paper cut. At best, you could lift a Bat’leth up and swing it down like a far less effective ax. but that’s so unwieldy that whomever you’re fighting would surely perforate you halfway through the process. Maybe the Klingons are trying to give their victims a sporting chance?
You Probably Canada Goose Coats On Sale Won’t Walk Away From Being Shot While Wearing A Bulletproof Vest
Your name is Gareth Goodguy, and you are a good guy. You are in a standoff with Billiam Badguy, who is men’s canada goose outlet (try to look surprised here) canada goose replica a bad guy. You both canada goose black friday sale draw your pistols and fire. You both fall. But only you get back up. See, you swung by the Good Guy Store before the fight and picked up a bulletproof vest. It’s canada goose store a good thing bad guys don’t have that technology! You get to stroll away feelin’ dandy, while Billiam hacks his life away into a gutter. Justice prevails!
Universal PicturesMarty are you OK, are you OK, are you OK Marty?
While bulletproof vests do of course absorb bullets, all that energy still has to go somewhere. So getting shot feels like taking a 90 mph fastball to the chest it might not kill you, but it will give you a nasty bruise, knock you on your ass, and possibly even wind you. Injuries caused Canada Goose online by bulletproof vests doing their job even have their own canada goose clearance sale name: Canada Goose Parka behind armor blunt Canada Goose sale trauma. And BABTs can mean anything from lacerations to fractured ribs to damaged vital organs. That’s better than dying, yes, but you’re not strolling away from that with a quick pun and a wink to the camera.
Lionsgate FilmsTry to explain those bruises to CPS.
But while the move undoubtedly looks cool, it would actually result in nothing more than piles of mangled assassins rotting quietly canada goose deals in haystacks. According to some especially nerdy scientists at the University of Leicester, it would be safe to jump into hay from a maximum height of about 12 meters (or 39.3 American Freedoms). You could probably survive a jump of up to 50 meters (164 feet), but you wouldn’t be in any condition to parkour away from pursuing guards afterward. Any building taller than that, and the deceleration would be too much too quick for all but the most gelatinous assassin.
UbisoftThat goes for diving into water, too.
As a general rule, it’s safe to assume that even a three story building is taller than the safety limit, and the towering spires of Assassin’s Creed are well beyond that. We know, it’s almost like video games are unrealistic. A big guy is running at you with an ax. Time to dodge roll!
Nintendo”They all laughed when I bought that hat glue! Well, who’s stupid now?!”
Surely, real battlefields of yore were also full of warriors gracefully tumbling out of the way of their opponents’ blades. Why, look at this modern recreation wherein. huh.
via KotakuMissing: the part when the other loots his pockets.
Yeah, it turns out that buy canada goose jacket if your opponent isn’t locked in a laughably long video game animation, it’s the easiest thing in the world for them to adjust their swing while you’re flailing around on the ground. In real combat, dodging is all about keeping your movements as simple and efficient as possible, so as to not leave any openings. Look, you probably weren’t going buy canada goose jacket cheap to get in a sword fight with a maniac anyway, but on the off chance your Saturday night goes awry, we’re just saying: Don’t somersault.